Pain and Responsibility

I feel bad today. Not just a normal, "I'm tired" bad, but really bad. At about 5 PM, I felt what is coming on, and there is no escaping it. My hip is getting that slow, progressive pain. I know I won't be able to sleep tonight. I've set my alarm to 3 AM. I know I'll need the extra hour to get ready. I'll be using a cane by morning, and I'll have to go in early so no one sees me using it. I'm not quite sure how I'm going to make it to meetings, but I'm sure that all the pain killers in the world will not help. To add insult to injury, my jaw is so swollen that I cannot chew, and I have a new nodule on the bottom of my left foot the size of a small chicken egg. I tried to take a picture of it, but you r4eally can't tell unless I get a picture of both feet and I'm not a bit flexible, ot to mention that I can barely lift my left leg.

Phil is rather pleased with himself. He knows I've had a stressful day, yet he keeps coming in here making it more stressful. I tell him to leave me alone, but he keeps saying, "I told you so. How are you going to get to Pennsylvania like that?" He's right. How am I, indeed? I haven't been able to eat today. I never had the chance to sit down and eat lunch. I came home to cook dinner, and he made a vulgar remark about the fish I was cooking. I threw it out. I've eaten a banana and a pear today. I can stand to miss a few meals.

I want to be back to normal. I want to be free of this monster. I want to be hugged and told that It will be OK. I want to be able to continue to provide for myself. I want the luxury of knowing that I can get up in the morning and be able to move. I want my friends, my confidants. They don't want me. I have become useless and have nothing more to offer.

The real pain hasn't settled in yet. It's only a niggling of what's to come; however, the emotional pain has set in. I'm so offended by every tiny jab, remark, look, presence. I have so many worries on my mind. My chief concern right now is not getting fired. Two weeks ago, this same thing happened, and I was out for two days. My body and brain are separate, but, without my body, my brain is sinking into a dark place. I have to make myself smile. I don't find much humorous. I have to force myself to be bearable to be around. I want to throw in the towel.

The problem is that I have people that depend on me. Phil depends on me to pay the bills. Until I get canned for being crippled, I have a great team at work that depends on me. In short, I have responsibilities. No amount of rest will make me better, so I will press on. I'm not really sure how I'm going to make it to PA. I hope I can make it there and back. My brother is getting married on the 5th. I would like to be there for that. I bought Braves tickets for the 6th, but my best friend has other things to do that day. I may just go by myself.

I have seen no positive progression in my RA. I'm being crippled in body and soul. I have no support to bring me out. I will just learn not to expect anything good and just keep humping it until I can't anymore.