I'm sitting here almost packed and ready to get on a plane tomorrow, and I'm grateful that I have a job to go to everyday. I know if I feel bored or lonely, then I can crank up the car and go to work. There's always something for me to do there. I want to review this week a bit and review some of the pros and cons.
I had to make a decision on Thursday that was not easy. Some back story on that - My kidneys are in bad shape. I take three different medications to keep them working at about 50%. I haven't gotten to dialysis shape yet, but lets just say that they don't work very well. The DMARDs and NSAIDs I have been taking over the years, combined with Type 1 diabetes, have both lowered the function. Therefore, I cannot take anything like Aleive, Advil, Meloxicam, or anything that takes the swelling and inflammation out of my joints. I burn everyday. I can't touch my hands behind my back. I've leaqrned to live with it, and the fact that my shoulder joints burn on a non-stop basis. Now to the decision - I am going to be traveling for work - toting bags to and fro through airports and hotels for the next week. I had a major flare this week. I needed desperately the medicine that is killing my kidneys.
I called my rheumatologist, and spoke with the nurse. They both decided that it's not in my best interest to get the shot. I thought back to Tuesday and Wednesday night and the pain and depression, and decided to get the shots. I can walk and move. The last flare got me almost everywhere - including my hip, feet, ankles, lower back, elbow, shoulders, wrists, neck and jaw. The shots were a necessity for me to keep working. They worked. I can move.
Now you would think that I would be happy about that. I feel more grateful and thankful than happy. I find myself annoyed - with myself. I still have a friend or two left. One of them called - holy shit, yes, called me Saturday afternoon wanting me to go to a birthday party. He would not take no for an answer. I didn't have to walk a great distance, and I needed to get out and be with friends. I was excited, so I went.
It wasn't long before I realized it was a mistake. I was at a stranger's house, and I only knew about three people there. I couldn't monopolize anyone's time to talk so I sunk down to that place where I just place a look of mild interest on my face and begin plotting the exit strategy. I did my round, spoke to everyone and shook hands, but my friend noticed I wasn't "my normal self." He offered to help, but I didn't feel right burdening him, so I talked for a few minutes and left.
The party was too much. I din't know many people. I didn't have a driver. I wanted to loosen up and have a good time, but I just couldn't make it happen. The night I needed a drink, I couldn't because I didn't have a driver. I'm not sure if it would've made things better or worse. I'm in a hole. It's dark down here. Somehow, I just don't feel safe anymore. I need that hand extended to me again.
The good news is that I have a distraction - work. There, I can forget about everything and focus on something else other than life. I work, I come home, and I sleep. I really miss having a life. I want to work towards being more pleasant to be around. The bad part is that I feel at peace when I'm by myself. I don't want to be pitied. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I either want to be included or left alone. Either I'm in the inner circle, or leave me on the periphery. At this moment, I'm in no one's inner circle. Not even Phil or Chandra's. I have been sick and feeble enough to slip out of both of them. It hurts seeing their life go by and have other people know more about them than me, but I haven't been there. I don't deserve it.
I'm going to finish packing and revel in the fact that I can get in a jean size smaller than what I was last month.
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